A Gay Therapist on Men, Masculinity and Mental Health

What is Masculinity?

When we hear the word masculine, we often immediately jump to stereotypes: men who play sports, do manual labor, don’t care about fashion, and aren’t scared to get their hands dirty. While all of those things are great, being a lumberjack isn’t code for being masculine. Actually, these caricatures can sway folks away from understanding what masculinity really is.

The Meaning Is Lost

If you Google “what is masculinity?” you’ll quickly see how lost we’ve become. Some of the definitions that come up are painfully problematic. “Being seen as tough and stoic” can lead to violence and drug abuse. Doesn’t sound so great, does it? The truth is, none of these are true indicators of masculinity. Yes, boys have been socialized and conditioned to be stoic and conceal emotions. But that’s not a byproduct of masculinity; that’s a result of social engineering that encourages men to suppress their more tender emotions.

Real Men Wear Pink

We’ve debunked a lot of the gender stereotypes in our culture. All men, not just gay men, can celebrate their femininity more than ever. But what about masculinity? Well, many argue that masculinity has been left behind. Boys and men have been told that so much of what it means to be a man is fixing innate flaws, like keeping your aggression in check so you don’t become a predator.

What about Gay Men?

Gay men were once gay boys who were usually told they weren’t masculine enough. They played with the wrong toys and listened to the wrong music. We weren’t man enough. Fast forward a couple of decades, and now we’re out gay men living in a world that celebrates our femininity more than ever. Which is great. But what about our masculinity? Did we ever get a chance to truly reconcile our gender expression, or was masculinity simply left behind in that closet?

Gay Men Need Masculinity Too

In the US, men are deeply struggling with our mental health. We’re five times more likely to take our own lives than women. Gay men seem to be doing relatively better than straight men, actually, but we struggle with other issues at disproportionate rates, such as crystal meth use. The truth is that losing a grasp on our masculinity has dire consequences for our mental health. Depression soars, self-worth plummets, and our relationships suffer, and so on.

Reclaiming Masculinity

First, we need to get clear on what masculinity really is. To make it simple, I’ll borrow three descriptors: 1. Protect, 2. Provide, 3. Procreate. Take the time to consider if you feel that you capture these in your life. Do you have opportunities to protect others? Are you a contributing provider? Again, these concepts don’t only exist in heteronormative paradigms. You can protect and provide in ways that have nothing to do with money, power, or physical strength. Gay men can be incredible protectors and providers too. In fact, we already are. Gay men are huge contributors to the economic growth of this country. And, although the data is limited, rates of divorce among gay men are much lower than the national average.

Masculinity & Sex

Sex is incredibly masculine. We know that young men are having sex less than ever. Young people don’t date or have relationships as much either. Many gay men now rely on the convenience of pornography for sexual gratification. But sex isn’t just about orgasm. It’s about physical expression, connection, and yes, dominance. Conversely, sex is also a necessary means of expressing femininity. Regardless, we know that all men are healthier psychologically when they’re having sex more frequently.

Masc 4 Masc

Complicating matters is how gay men revere stereotypically masculine gay men, which can reinforce the social dynamics we experienced early in life before we came out. It seems that both gay and straight men idealize a certain representation of manhood. If you look at porn, so much content focuses on the “straight-acting jock” who is so masculine that he is essentially heterosexual (aside from his sexuality, of course). As a community, we’re going to need to consider what makes a high-value man in our culture. Which representations of man are we going to celebrate and why?

You Are Already Man Enough

Here’s the good news: you already have what you’re searching for. This isn’t going to be a task of building from the ground up or starting from scratch. On the contrary, this will be a task of reclaiming a part of yourself you left behind long ago. Maybe you decided when you were 12 years old that you couldn’t keep up with the other boys, so you simply stopped trying. You let go of your desires to compete and assert, and instead focused more on your more feminine qualities. Your femininity deserves just as much care and respect. But as a gay therapist working with mostly men, I believe that the plight most gay men face is that they’ve left their masculinity behind.

A Gay Therapist on Masculinity & Mental Health

My message to gay men struggling with their masculinity is simple: masculinity is good. Femininity is good. It’s all about finding balance. It’s all about authenticity. The key isn’t to force yourself to be any more masculine (or feminine) than you already are. The key is to express yourself authentically. If you’re struggling with these themes, please join me for an upcoming webinar "Unpacking Toxic Masculinity" I’ll be hosting on this exact topic. Led by my good friend and Gay Wellness Coach Michael Diiorio, we’ll be creating a safe space for gay men to explore masculinity and its impacts on their mental health. You can sign up here for this webinar, led on Feb 3rd at 5 PM. You can also learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here.