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I’ve seen the phrase “toxic masculinity“ thrown around casually over the past few years. To be honest, I find it quite problematic. And I think a lot of men do. Aside from being disrespectful, the phase makes no sense. But this phrase stings in a particular way for gay men. Here’s why:
What Masculinity Is Not
Masculinity is a complex and beautiful part of the male (and female!) experience. Nowadays, we associate masculinity with horrific things like mass shootings and sexual violence. This couldn’t be more wrong. Anything predatory is completely antithetical to masculinity. If someone (male or female) is disrespectful or violent, that isn’t an expression of unchecked masculinity. It’s an expression of their brutality. Masculinity is actually tied to protecting others—not hurting them.
All Men are Lost
It’s not just that men feel insulted—we feel confused. If we’re not supposed to be aggressive, dominant and assertive . . . then what are we supposed to do? The problem isn’t so much that we’re changing gender roles for men. It’s that we’re erasing the gender role and replacing it with . . . nothing. What’s interesting is that men are not succeeding nearly as much as we’re propertied to. We’re falling way behind in terms of education—particularly higher education. Employment rates for men continue to decrease. And mental health outcomes for men are dismal, with men at a five times greater risk for suicide.
Finding the Balance
We can’t all be feminine. Femininity is another beautiful part of the human experience, with qualities like nurturing, vulnerability, patience, and cooperatives. It’s easy to see why we need a balance of both. Femininity and masculinity perfectly balance one another out.
What Should Men Do?
My suggestion: we should celebrate masculinity. Real masculine qualities, such as being assertive, direct, powerful, and independent, are incredibly necessary components of a thriving society. Men need to compete. Without this drive to win, we won’t fight for things that matter. If we emasculate our culture, we will all suffer. There’s nothing wrong with strength. So let’s get rid of this demonizing language & find real solutions for the problems we face.Even if we don’t play sports or shoot guns, gay men need to know that they are masculine. We take take action, we take risks, we compete—we do a lot. The entire gay rights movement has been a movement of dominance and strength. And, we’ve accomplished an incredible amount in very little time. So when we hear vilifying terms like “toxic masculinity,” keep in mind that they’re not just attacking straight men—they’re attacking gay men too. And, if you plan to find a partner, you’re going to struggle if you have prejudice against masculinity.
Gay Men and Toxic Masculinity
Most gay men have a complicated relationship with masculinity already. Many of us didn’t feel like we were masculine enough growing up. So adding terms like “toxic” into the equation just make us feel confused how about masculine (or feminine) we’re supposed to be. A lot of gay men feel compelled to demonized masculinity as well, feeling that the term has always been a source of negativity for them. But gay men should be encouraged to embrace their masculinity as adults—not disavow it. Reclaiming your masculinity is an essential step for any gay man. Therapy can be a great place to begin that process. Growing up, we were told what manhood was. Now we get to define masculinity for ourselves.
You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here. I’d also highly recommend Richard Reeves’ book "Of Boys and Men" for more on this topic.
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