Gay Men and Narcissism: Insights from a Couples Therapist in West Hollywood

Today, just about everyone is a “narcissist” by someone’s definition. I’ve seen some ridiculous claims that 1 in 6 people is narcissistic. If that were true, we’d be in serious trouble. Also, personality disorders are identifying outliers. So if a condition were that common, it wouldn’t really be a personality pathology anymore. The point is, as much as we talk about narcissism, its actual definition has become lost. And now some claim that gay men are even more narcissistic than others. As a gay couples therapist in West Hollywood, here are my thoughts on gay men and narcissism.

Attention Seeking Behavior

Today, any sign of attention-seeking is pathological. You take too many selfies? You’re a narcissist. You’re outgoing and energetic? Narcissist. You like celebrating your achievements and milestones? Yup, you’re definitely a narcissist. Well, let me display all of those tropes. The truth is narcissism or NPD is a severe personality disorder. Folks with it have very, very little empathy and are driven by a desire to devalue others—while simultaneously idealizing themselves. It’s not as simple as liking attention or being a little selfish. There’s a true lack of empathy for others, contempt when others succeed past you, and an insatiable need for power. The truth is narcissists often terrorize those around them. Their partners, friends, and family are roadkill. Those who are subservient to them in any capacity, like their kids or employees, are even more tortured.

Self-Esteem vs. Narcissism

Narcissism isn’t a function of “too much” self-esteem. It’s the byproduct of having none. Narcissism is about self-hate—not self-love. But again, many folks get confused and think that their most confident friend is somehow a narcissist. In reality, these folks usually have relatively healthy self-esteem. And let’s not forget that two things can exist at the same time. You can love attention and also be very sensitive and caring. Someone who steals attention may also be incredibly empathic at the same time. We have to be careful not to reduce people to just one dimension.

Atypical Narcissism

A lot of narcissists don’t look the part. There are other forms of narcissism that don’t fit the grandiose stereotype. Today lots of narcissistic folks rely on virtue signaling to convey their superiority. It’s less…”look how rich and attractive I am” and more…”look I’m such a good person.” This may not sound like good news. But there are many narcissists who exist right in front of us, but they go unnoticed. Why? They’re atypical. They’re not rich, attractive, successful, and dominant people. They want to be, but they’re not. But just because they look innocent, don’t underestimate their toxicity. These folks, who often fly under the radar for a while, can also wreak havoc on our lives.

Gay Men and Narcissism

What really concerns me, as a gay therapist, is how easily gay men are slapped with this label. Some argue that the gay community promotes narcissistic values—which I disagree with. But the narrative has gotten much worse. It’s gotten to the point where psychologists genuinely wonder if gay men are inherently more narcissistic; that there is something in our genetic makeup that makes us fundamentally less empathic. This is a problem. Most gay men just want to be accepted. We’ve been pathologized enough by medical and mental health establishments. So what do we see in gay men? Gay men often crave validation to make up for early rejections. Many gay men have self-esteem injuries that they try to compensate for. Sure, you could argue that is also the case for a narcissist. But the true narcissist also lacks empathy, so they cannot temper their urges to feel special and idealized.

Is My Partner a Narcissist?

This is an incredibly important question to answer. My advice would be to take the time to answer this clearly and thoroughly. Don’t jump to a quick answer to quell your anxiety. The harsh truth is that it’s incredibly difficult to have a satisfying romantic relationship with a true narcissist. So, most therapists will likely advise against that. But you don’t want to abruptly end a relationship either until you’re sure what you’re dealing with. To get an answer, you’re going to need an objective opinion.

A Gay Couples Therapist on Narcissism

To reiterate: gay men are not more likely to be narcissistic. But they can be. Just be careful not to rush to throw that label at someone. There are a myriad of reasons why someone might be rude, selfish, and aggressive—reasons that have nothing to do with narcissism. But if you do feel like you’re dating someone who devalues you, who manipulates you, who doesn’t empathize with you, then you need to take action. You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here, and my clinical approach to couples therapy here.