Gay Men and Shame: Using Internal Family Systems Therapy to Silence your Inner Critic

We’re all familiar with that voice: the one that tells you that you're not enough; the one that criticizes every mistake you make; the one that berates and even torments you. The voice I’m talking about is your “inner critic.” I believe that nearly all of us have this voice in some form. The difference between a confident person and an insecure person often comes down to how loud that voice is. In my experience as an LGBTQ therapist, gay men frequently struggle with a particularly persistent inner critic. Fortunately, there are several therapeutic modalities that can help boost self-confidence and shift this inner dialogue. One powerful approach is Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, which can be particularly helpful for gay men in silencing their inner critic once and for all.

Gay Men and the Inner Critic

For gay men, this inner voice can be especially harsh and cutting. And it’s not hard to understand why. Growing up, many gay men internalize negative messages from their families, communities, peers, or the broader culture. These messages may come in the form of shame, rejection, or invalidation of their identity. Even if you try to build a thick skin, we’re all impacted by these messages, and they can leave deep scars. Many gay men struggle with their inner critics more than others, partly because of the societal conditioning they face. It’s important to note that the gay community itself can sometimes perpetuate these critical voices, leading gay men to continue battling these messages even after coming out.

Acknowledge the Purpose of Your Inner Critic

As frustrating and tormenting as the inner critic can be, it’s essential to start by acknowledging its purpose. The truth is that the inner critic serves an important role in our psyche, which is why it’s so difficult to silence or change this voice. Rather than viewing your inner critic as a tormentor, try to think of befriending it. Consider it this way: imagine two countries that have been adversaries for decades. At some point, the only way to move forward is to make peace with the enemy. The reason for this is that the inner critic is not going anywhere. It’s not something you can simply avoid or get rid of.

Get to Know Your Critic

Although the inner critic has been a constant presence in many of our lives for years, most of us haven’t taken the time to really understand this part of ourselves. Before you can make any changes, it’s important to first get to know what you’re trying to change. Below is an exercise that can help you begin this process. While it’s most effective to go through this exercise with a therapist, you can still engage in this self-reflection on your own.

What does your inner critic look like? Does it have a particular appearance or shape?
What does it sound like? Is there a specific tone or voice you recognize when it speaks?
What does it feel like? How do you know when your inner critic is present? Does it manifest physically (tightness in your chest, nervousness, etc.)?
What does your inner critic frequently say to you? What does it want you to hear? What kinds of things does it criticize or judge?
What is the critic trying to protect you from? Think about what it might be safeguarding you from—perhaps rejection, failure, or embarrassment.
How old is this part? Try to reflect on when your inner critic first began to emerge. Is it tied to a specific time in your life?

Gay Men and Internal Family Systems (IFS)

This concept may seem a bit unusual, but what if we could reframe the inner critic as a force for good rather than a negative one? In Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, the idea is that the inner critic actually has a useful role in maintaining self-esteem and self-worth. How can this be? The inner critic protects parts of ourselves that carry deep shame or vulnerability.

Consider the example of a gay man who was bullied or shamed for his sexual orientation during adolescence. To survive the trauma of bullying, many gay men become hyper-vigilant, editing themselves, holding back, and modifying their behavior to avoid further humiliation. In this context, the inner critic acts as a protective mechanism. It ensures that we don’t expose ourselves to ridicule again.

In some ways, this works at first. The self-criticism and vigilance lessen the likelihood of being targeted by bullies. But the problem arises when this protective mechanism continues well into adulthood. Now, at 35 years old, with a successful career, loving friends, and a supportive community, the inner critic is still there, critiquing every decision, and limiting personal growth.

The voice of the inner critic often prevents us from stepping outside of our comfort zones. It tells us not to go for that promotion, to avoid taking risks, and to remain silent in the face of opportunity. When we finally get some criticism, the inner critic validates our worst fears: “See, I told you this would happen. Why did you think you could step outside your comfort zone? I warned you.” While the inner critic believes it is protecting us, it is, in fact, sabotaging our efforts to grow.

How We Heal: A Counterintuitive Approach

The desire to protect oneself is natural and instinctual. However, healing and making meaningful change require us to engage with rather than resist the parts of us that feel critical or fearful.

Get to know the inner critic: To make lasting change, we don’t aim to get rid of the inner critic. Instead, we begin by understanding it. What does it want? What is it trying to protect us from? This understanding can lead to more compassion and less hostility toward the critic.
Resistance perpetuates the problem: It’s important to recognize that the more we resist or fight against our inner critic, the more entrenched it becomes. Rather than struggling against it, we approach it with curiosity and compassion.
Counterintuitive approach: Rather than trying to silence the inner critic, we engage with it. We can make it a part of our daily ritual, whether through journaling, meditation, or self-reflection. By acknowledging its presence and asking questions, we allow it to be heard without letting it control us.
Discover the critic’s positive intent: Every part of us, including the inner critic, has a positive intention. By asking the critic what it feels and wants, we begin to unravel its true purpose. This process of self-inquiry is crucial for personal growth.
Daily check-ins: Make it a habit to check in with your inner critic. This doesn’t mean letting it dominate your thoughts but rather acknowledging its presence and finding a way to work together. You can use journaling or meditation to facilitate this process.

Conclusion

The inner critic can feel like an enemy, but when we engage with it in a compassionate and curious way, we begin to dismantle its harmful influence. By using approaches like Internal Family Systems therapy, gay men—and really anyone struggling with self-doubt—can begin to shift the internal dialogue from criticism to understanding. This process doesn’t involve fighting against parts of ourselves but rather learning to make peace with them. If you’re interested in learning more about how IFS therapy can help you quiet the inner critic and boost your self-confidence, I invite you to book a complimentary consultation with me. You can also explore more about my work with gay men here.

The journey to silencing your inner critic may take time, but with patience and self-compassion, healing is possible.