Gay Therapist in West Hollywood: It’s OK to be Superficial—Here’s Why

A lot of gay men often voice a common complaint: that the gay community can feel overwhelmingly superficial. There’s a sense that we collectively overemphasize aesthetics—sculpted bodies, chiseled jawlines, the latest fashion trends—while underappreciating the deeper, more enduring qualities that make someone a truly desirable partner. This sentiment isn’t new, but it’s been magnified in the age of social media, where perfectly posed, filtered, and airbrushed images of conventionally attractive men flood our feeds daily. These men appear to effortlessly fit the mold of what’s seen as "desirable" in the gay world: toned, symmetrical, stylish, and confident. The result? A lot of everyday gay men feel insecure, frustrated, and sometimes even invisible. In an attempt to "measure up," many go to extreme lengths—rigorous diets, excessive workouts, cosmetic procedures, and expensive grooming habits—all to meet a standard that can feel unattainable and, at times, soul-crushing.

The Benefits of Caring About Aesthetics

But is this obsession with aesthetics all bad? Is there any value in the community’s deep investment in physical appearance? Here are my thoughts as a gay men's therapist practicing in West Hollywood, CA.

To be fair, yes—there is something to be said for taking care of yourself. Many would argue that the emphasis on physical beauty in gay culture has motivated men to adopt healthier lifestyles. Regular exercise, mindful eating, and self-care routines are all positive habits, regardless of what fuels them. If wanting to look attractive gets someone to hit the gym or eat more vegetables, isn’t that a net win? Even if the motivation originates in vanity or the desire for validation, the resulting habits can improve overall well-being.

Still, there's an important distinction to make: self-care is different from self-objectification. If taking care of our outsides helps us feel more confident and healthy on the inside, then there’s some merit to that. But when our entire self-worth hinges on how we look in a selfie or how many likes we get on a thirst trap, we may have crossed a dangerous line.

Is Superficiality Always Bad?

The word “superficial” often comes with a negative connotation. It implies shallowness, a lack of depth, a fixation on surface-level qualities. But is it truly wrong to be attracted to beauty?

We are, after all, visual creatures. Aesthetics are a fundamental part of human attraction. There are certain faces, bodies, styles, and energies that naturally catch our attention. To pretend that physical appeal plays no role in desire is disingenuous. Attraction is often instantaneous and, yes, it’s frequently triggered by something visual. So maybe the problem isn’t that we’re drawn to beauty—it’s that we sometimes over-prioritize it, placing it above more meaningful attributes like kindness, intelligence, vulnerability, humor, and emotional availability.

So no, being attracted to beauty isn’t inherently superficial. It becomes problematic when it’s the only thing we value, or when we dismiss others entirely because they don’t meet a narrow definition of attractiveness.

Is This Just a “Gay” Issue?

While this conversation is often framed within gay culture, the truth is, obsession with beauty isn’t exclusive to gay men. Human beings across all orientations are captivated by attractiveness. Straight men idealize beautiful women. Women swoon over conventionally handsome men. Our entire advertising industry runs on the power of visual appeal. We are biologically and socially conditioned to respond to beauty—it’s not just a gay thing.

That said, the gay community may experience this dynamic a bit differently. In a space where attraction is mutual between men—and where many of us, at some point, felt shame for our desires—the emphasis on looking “hot” can feel like both rebellion and compensation. We’re not just trying to be attractive; we’re trying to prove our worth in a world that once told us we had none.

The Psychology Behind the Mirror

Therapists and researchers have long discussed the link between body image and internalized shame, particularly within the gay community. The theory goes like this: many gay men grow up feeling different, rejected, or inadequate. These early feelings of unworthiness don’t just disappear once we come out. Instead, they often get redirected into something more “manageable,” like our appearance. If I can make myself physically flawless, maybe I’ll finally feel lovable. Maybe I’ll be enough.

But does it work? In most cases, no. Sculpting the perfect body doesn’t heal the wounds of childhood rejection. Achieving peak physical attractiveness won’t resolve trauma or build genuine self-esteem. At best, it’s a temporary high. At worst, it becomes an endless and exhausting quest for validation.

Are You Selling Yourself?

There’s also a fine line between celebrating your body and commodifying it. Some men move beyond enjoying their appearance and begin marketing it—literally. Whether it’s through OnlyFans, escorting, or just living as a social media “brand,” some gay men adopt the persona of a desirable object rather than a whole, multidimensional person.

And while this might attract attention—or even admiration—it begs the question: what kind of attention are you really getting? Are people connecting with you, or just your image? Are you loved, or just lusted after?

There’s nothing wrong with using your appearance as a tool for expression or empowerment. But when it becomes your only tool, you run the risk of reducing your identity to a product.

What Happens When the Looks Fade?

Here’s a hard truth we all have to confront: beauty is fleeting. Bodies age. Faces change. Muscles shrink. Gravity wins. And if your entire sense of self is tied to how you look, then aging can feel like a personal apocalypse. That’s why it’s so important to diversify your self-worth portfolio. Invest in your creativity. Your friendships. Your intellect. Your empathy. Your humor. These are the qualities that don’t wrinkle or sag with time. These are the qualities that will sustain you when your selfie game is no longer enough.

Let’s Be Real—Attractiveness Does Matter

We’d be lying if we said looks don’t matter. They do. People respond to us based on our appearance, and first impressions are often visual. So yes, take pride in how you look. Show up in the world however makes you feel confident. But remember, that’s just one piece of the puzzle. You are more than your body. You are more than your jawline or waistline or follower count.

A Gay Therapist in West Hollywood's Honst Take

Here’s the thing: appreciating beauty isn’t the enemy. In fact, it can be joyful, even liberating. Part of what the gay rights movement fought for was the freedom to love, desire, and express ourselves authentically. Straight men have always had the freedom to ogle, flirt, and admire attractive women without shame. Why shouldn’t gay men enjoy that same privilege? We should be allowed to celebrate what turns us on, to enjoy our aesthetics, to feel sexy and seen—without judgment or guilt.

The real challenge is balance. Can we embrace beauty without being enslaved by it? Can we appreciate a six-pack without loathing our own reflection? Can we desire others without devaluing ourselves?

When we strike that balance, we move beyond superficiality—not by denying beauty, but by embracing it as one of many parts of a full, rich life. If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation here. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work for gay men here.