How Gay Men Heal From Sexual Assault: A Trauma Therapist’s Treatment Plan

Many folks go to therapy looking to recover from trauma. Sadly, recent surveys show that up to 50% of gay and bisexual men have experienced sexual assault. But they typically have little idea of what recovering from trauma actually looks like. The process is somewhat abstract, and will look different for each person. And there is no definitive way to know how a specific trauma therapy modality will impact your symptoms. In my mind, there are two factors trauma survivors are looking for: they want to minimize (or possibly extinguish) post-trauma symptoms as much as possible, and they want to feel as unburdened by the traumatic event as much as possible. In short, they want to feel like they did before the trauma ever occurred. While the road to recovery looks different for everyone, there are a few critical phases all therapy clients should go through if they truly want to heal—particularly gay men recovering from sexual assault.

Establishing Safety

No trauma therapy will be effective without this step. And this step is often skipped over. Unfortunately, many folks bypass this phase in an effort to feel better as quickly as they can. But safety is essential. Establishing safety looks different for everyone. First, you want to begin by mitigating or eliminating self-destructive behaviors. Think about it: you cannot put out a fire while you’re setting another at the same time. Similarly, if you’re trying to heal from trauma while simultaneously engaging in another self-destructive behavior such as drug use, you’re not going to heal.

Taking a Sexual History

We rarely take the time to consider how our sexuality developed. In therapy, you want to begin by taking a meticulously detailed inventory of your sexual history and development. Some questions you can expect to consider are: how did you learn about sex? When did you first masturbate? Do you masturbate to porn? How were your early sexual experiences? You also want to begin to understand the nuances of consent, considering if you ever engaged in anything that felt non-consensual prior to the trauma that brings you to therapy. You also want to begin to think about the messages you received from your culture about sex in general. It goes without saying that gay folks received some negative messages about our sexualities. But consider other messaging you received from your family, friends, and community as well. This will help you understand your overall perspective on sex and sexuality—a perspective that later informed how your trauma impacted you.

Processing Trauma

This is the meat and potatoes of trauma therapy: processing the event. To “process” a trauma is a very vague concept. Generally speaking, it begins with telling your story. But we know that the verbal narrative is not what’s important. Rather, it’s how you feel as you’re telling the story. This is why establishing a sense of safety and trust between client and therapist is so critical. You need to feel safe in order to fully bare your vulnerability to someone. Just because a therapist is a licensed trained professional doesn’t mean that we are inherently trustworthy. We have to earn it, just like anyone else does. Then of course, you must consider the trauma modalities to contain the trauma (you can read more about effective trauma therapy modalities on my blog here). Putting aside the modalities and theories, I’d suggest keeping it simple. Processing your trauma is telling your story with a trusted other.

Gaining Sexual Confidence

This phase will separate folks into two groups: those who are reclaiming sexual confidence they already had, and those who are basically starting from the ground up. If you already had a sense of sexual confidence, then you have something to return to. For these folks, the process will be a lot simpler. Unfortunately, I find that that group of trauma survivors is much smaller—especially among gay men. More frequently, gay men will be tasked with developing a sexual confidence that never really existed in the first place. So how do they go about doing that? Start by getting to know yourself. A great tool to do this is examining your sexual templates (also known as arousal templates). You can check out my full blog on that topic here. Confidence in yourself starts with knowing who you are, followed by celebrating that authenticity. Start by reflecting on yourself. What interests you sexually? What turns you on or off? What situations are erotic to you? Keep in mind: the point isn’t to force yourself to be anything that you’re not. Rather, it’s to connect to your natural inclinations.

Maintenance

Trauma recovery doesn’t have a definitive endpoint. Sure, there comes a time when one ideally feels as though they have experienced a satisfactory level of healing. Only you can discern when you feel as though you’ve reached that phase. Typically this occurs when one no longer feels burdened by their trauma, or that their post-traumatic symptoms have subsided. They will likely find themselves feeling less anxious, less triggered, and more confident overall. But similar to gains you’ve established at the gym, this progress must be maintained. I’d encourage you to consider what practices you will incorporate into your life on an ongoing basis to sustain your recovery. This could look like ongoing therapy, perhaps at a lesser frequency. It might look like a meditation practice, advocacy work, or attending healing retreats. All that matters is that it’s something that nurtures your spirit and your well-being. It’s easy to slip back into old, negative ways of thinking and behaving. Maintenance practices help ensure that you stay on the right path.

Gay Men's Sexual Assault Therapist

Healing from sexual trauma is a complex process. These phases are by no means a one-size-fits-all model. Everyone is different, which is why it’s essential that you work carefully with an individual therapist to discern your unique treatment needs. But I do believe that these phases are very likely components of any effective sexual trauma therapy for gay men. Keep in mind that trauma recovery is nuanced and complex. Don’t try to go about this alone. There are many resources available these days that you can take advantage of. If you want to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation with me. I have more specific information outlined about my work as a therapist for gay men recovering from sexual assault on my YouTube Channel. You can also learn more about our recently launched Gay Men’s Sexual Trauma Treatment Network—a new service for gay men offered by Impulse United.