People Pleasing is Holding Gay Men Back

We all want to be liked. This isn’t unique to gay men. But therapists like myself have noticed that gay men are more susceptible to certain relational patterns, like people pleasing. Below, I’ll explain what people pleasing is. Then I’ll explore why gay men are prone to it, and examine how we can embrace a more assertive approach to our relationships.

What is People Pleasing?

People pleasing isn’t a diagnosis or concretely defined term. Generally speaking, I’d say that people pleasing relates to a cluster of behaviors that prioritize the needs of others over our own. People pleasers are prone to:

• Prioritizing others' needs over their own, even to their own detriment.

• Difficulty saying "no," often agreeing to things out of guilt or fear of rejection.

• Avoiding conflict at all costs, even if it means hiding true feelings.

• Apologizing excessively, even when not at fault.

• Fear of being disliked, judged, or abandoned.

• Suppressed resentment or burnout from constantly putting others first.

Why Gay Men People Please

People pleasing, like most character traits, can boil down to a debate between nature and nurture. It’s true that some of our personality traits are hard-wired—meaning that some of us are simply more biologically prone to be agreeable. But we also know that nurture (i.e., our environment) plays a critical role. Most gay men grow up either experiencing or expecting some social rejection. As a result, many develop relational patterns to compensate. People pleasing is one of them. Gay men may hold the unconscious belief that they need to please others excessively in order to compensate for the social disadvantages of being gay.

The Disadvantages

There are huge disadvantages to people pleasing. While you may never ruffle feathers or upset anyone, you’re also likely to rarely get your own needs met. After all, relationships are supposed to be mutually satisfying. Whether they are romantic, platonic, or familial, relationships involve a give-and-take where needs are negotiated. But people pleasers typically swallow their needs, allowing the desires of others to supersede their own. This often leads to frustration or even feeling taken advantage of. But the truth is: people can’t read your mind. Sure, some needs are obvious and shouldn’t need to be explicitly stated. But there are many other thoughts and feelings we all harbor that no one will know unless we find the courage to speak them.

How You Heal

First, you have to consider if you truly want to change. After all, people pleasing does have its benefits—most obviously, fewer instances of conflict. So moving away from people pleasing will also invariably mean moving toward the one thing we’ve so carefully avoided: conflict. Conflict is often a source of dread. But does it have to be? I would argue that it’s simply inevitable. And without it, we are not likely to grow and challenge ourselves. Sure, conflict should be handled with respect. But is disagreement inherently threatening? I would say no.

Finding Your Boundaries

Then, practice saying “no.” People pleasers rarely turn others down. So if you want to let go of this behavior, practice saying “no” when you don’t agree with something. I say this a lot: boundaries only work if you enforce them. It’s not enough to mention a boundary once and expect others to cement it into their memories. Boundaries must be guarded—otherwise, they are nothing more than mere suggestions. If you don’t use your voice, don’t assume people hear you. In fact, we know that people are notoriously poor listeners, generally speaking. So don’t give them the benefit of the doubt.

A Gay Therapist’s Take

Gay men have spent too long living inauthentically and in fear. People pleasing is almost like another form of keeping yourself in the closet. I encourage all gay men to use their voice and embrace being disliked. It’s going to feel uncomfortable at first, but that’s okay. In fact, if you feel comfortable, you’re probably still people pleasing. But I’ve found that leading an authentic life is worth the discomfort you encounter along the way.

If you’re curious to hear more on this topic, I joined Coach Michael Diiorio on an episode of Gay Men Going Deeper to discuss it in depth. If you’d like to book a free consultation with me to discuss working together, you can contact me here. You can also check out more of my affirmative work for gay men here as well.