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When we think about “healthy” sex, it’s easy to get caught up in a mix of personal opinions, societal expectations, and misconceptions. Ask ten people what makes sex healthy, and you’re likely to get ten different answers. In many ways, this is because sex is subjective—it means something different for everyone. However, there are some basic guidelines and principles that can help us navigate what it means to have a healthy sexual experience. As a sex therapist who works primarily with gay men, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on these questions. So, let’s take a deeper dive into what “healthy” sex actually looks like.
1. Healthy Sex Isn’t About Quantity or Frequency
A common misconception is that healthy sex is about how often you’re having it. But the reality is, the quality of your sex life is far more important than how frequently you’re having sex. It’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that if you’re not having sex “enough,” something’s wrong. Some people may feel that they have to meet certain standards of frequency or variety to be considered sexually healthy.
But here’s the thing: it’s not about quantity—it’s about quality. Healthy sex is not measured by how often you engage in sexual activities, but by whether or not you feel fulfilled by those experiences. For some people, having sex every day may feel great. For others, a few times a month is plenty. And guess what? Both are equally valid.
In my experience working with gay men, I often encounter clients who feel pressure to have sex “a lot” or in specific ways—especially due to the normalization of hookup culture or the expectations set by the media. But, compulsive or excessive sex, driven by external pressures or internalized feelings of inadequacy, can be harmful. It’s important to avoid what I like to call “slut-shaming” or labeling ourselves as unhealthy just because we may not meet some perceived societal standard for sexual behavior.
Ultimately, healthy sex is about aligning your sexual behavior with your own desires, needs, and emotional state, not about meeting a specific quota. If you’re enjoying the sex you’re having and it’s in alignment with your values and desires, then that’s what matters most.
2. Healthy Sex Doesn’t Have to Be Romantic
Another myth about “healthy” sex is that it always needs to be tied to romance or deep emotional connection. While sex in the context of a loving, committed relationship can certainly be fulfilling and enriching, it’s equally valid for some people to enjoy casual or less intimate sexual experiences. This is especially true in the gay community, where hookup culture can sometimes make people feel like they have to subscribe to one “right” way of engaging sexually.
The truth is, healthy sex doesn’t need to come with a love story or a long-term commitment to be meaningful. Casual hookups or brief encounters can be incredibly satisfying and fun—when both parties are on the same page and engaged in a mutually respectful and consensual experience. There’s no shame in enjoying sex for the physical pleasure or the connection, even if it doesn’t involve emotional intimacy or long-term commitment.
For gay men, the world of casual sex can be particularly complex, and navigating it can sometimes feel overwhelming. It’s crucial to recognize that you can still have healthy, enjoyable, and fulfilling sexual encounters even if they are not embedded in a traditional romantic narrative. What makes it healthy is mutual respect, clear communication, and a sense of personal well-being, regardless of the emotional weight attached to the experience.
Of course, if you find that these casual encounters are leaving you feeling empty, lonely, or unfulfilled, that could be a signal to look deeper into what’s going on. But enjoying a one-night stand or a brief hookup doesn’t inherently mean you’re doing something wrong. It’s about checking in with yourself to see how you feel and whether that type of sex aligns with your desires and overall well-being.
3. Healthy Sex Doesn’t Come with a Hangover
Have you ever had sex and felt amazing during the experience, only to find yourself overwhelmed with shame, guilt, or regret afterward? If so, you’re not alone. Unfortunately, many men experience what I like to call a “sex hangover”—an emotional or psychological aftermath that feels icky, heavy, or unsettling. This could be a sign that something wasn’t quite right in the sexual experience you had, even if nothing about it was objectively “wrong.”
Sex is supposed to feel fun, exciting, and fulfilling. Sure, not every encounter is going to be mind-blowing, and there may be moments where sex feels awkward or unsatisfying. But overall, healthy sex shouldn’t leave you with negative emotions lingering afterward. If you frequently feel guilt, shame, or confusion after sex, it may be time to reflect on what’s happening. The absence of these negative feelings is not just an indicator of physical satisfaction, but emotional and psychological satisfaction as well.
When we talk about the “hangover” of sex, it’s important to recognize that it’s not necessarily about having regrets over specific actions or events. Sometimes, it’s more about feeling disconnected from yourself, your body, or your partner. Perhaps you felt pressured to engage in sex that you didn’t actually want or weren’t comfortable with. Maybe there was a lack of communication, consent, or care for each other’s well-being. In these instances, you might end up feeling emotionally drained, unsettled, or even ashamed of yourself—regardless of whether or not you were “in the right” in the encounter.
This is where I encourage you to trust your instincts and listen to your gut. You are the best judge of whether your sexual experiences are fulfilling and healthy. If something doesn’t sit right with you, it’s worth exploring why. Sex should enhance your life, not make you feel worse. If it leaves you feeling bad about yourself, or if you find yourself questioning the experience, take that as an opportunity to dig deeper and examine what’s going on. It could be an indication that your boundaries, desires, or communication need attention.
4. Go With Your Gut
Ultimately, the key to knowing whether your sex life is healthy is paying attention to how you feel, both during and after sexual experiences. If you feel satisfied, emotionally connected, and happy with your choices, you’re likely on the right track. If you find yourself feeling disconnected, empty, or regretful, it may be worth taking a step back to reflect on why. Your gut feelings are a powerful compass in guiding you toward healthier sexual experiences.
Sex is supposed to be a fun, liberating, and pleasurable experience. It’s okay if it’s not always perfect or fulfilling in every single moment, but at the core of it, it should add to your sense of self-worth and overall well-being. When sex becomes a source of shame, discomfort, or emotional exhaustion, it’s time to pause and reassess. Healthy sex isn’t about fitting a mold or meeting societal standards—it’s about feeling aligned with your own desires, needs, and emotional state.
Working with a Gay Sex Therapist
If you’re unsure or struggling with what constitutes healthy sex in your life, I recommend reflecting on your experiences, being honest with yourself about how you feel afterward, and maybe even seeking out professional support to dig deeper into your sexual health and desires. At the end of the day, healthy sex is about pleasure, consent, communication, and self-respect. It’s about being kind to yourself and respecting your boundaries—both physical and emotional. You can learn more about my psychotherapy work with gay men here, And how couples therapy can benefit you here.
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