Who Are The “Normal” Gays? A Therapist Explores

There were a lot of memorable moments from the 2024 presidential election season. Donald Trump was nearly assassinated, and Kamala Harris jumped into the race in record time. But there was one other moment that also stood out. During an appearance on the Joe Rogan Podcast, Vice Presidential candidate JD Vance stated, “I wouldn’t be surprised if we vote the normal gay guy vote.” This soundbite quickly took off online, but not for the reasons one might think. Rather than feeling offended by the suggestion that some gays are more “normal” than others, a lot of gay men actually resonated with the future VP’s remarks. So, as a therapist who works with gay men, I’m curious: who are “the normal gays?”

What is “Normal?”

The sentiment that seemed to resonate the most was the concept of being left alone. Meaning, many gay men don’t want being gay to define them. They don’t want to wave a flag every time they walk into a room. They don’t want a rainbow bumper sticker. They just want to be left alone and treated like they’re, well, normal. Some people like standing out and use queerness as a way of being unique. But others don’t. A lot of gay men don’t want to stand out from the crowd at all. They want their sexuality to be the least noticeable part of them—rather than the most glaring.

Log Cabin Republicans

Gay rights were always championed by the social liberalism of the left, while the right fought to protect conservative ideologies. By 2024, a lot had changed. The overwhelming majority of Americans support marriage equality, for example. And even the Republican Party has begun to look gayer, with folks like Scott Bessent being appointed. A lot of the self-proclaimed “normal gays” now find themselves comfortably on the right. They feel accepted by the Conservative Party—for the most part. They’re not worried about their rights being stripped away at all. If anything, they feel that the civil rights movement for gay men is over and won. They just want to enjoy their newfound freedom now. Some, proudly wearing MAGA hats, are racking up thousands of followers in social media proclaiming their right-wing pride.

Sex, Not Gender

Then there’s the clash between ideologies within the LGBTQ community. The LGBTQ community is a cluster of different subgroups. We have the lesbians, gays, bisexuals, trans, and queers. And every year, it seems like a new letter is added to the alphabet—so much so that even folks in the community are often unsure of our latest acronym. While there is strength in banding together, one problem that arises is simply that we don’t all necessarily agree. For example, some gay folks disagree with the ideology that gender is a spectrum or a construct.

No Longer A Cohesive Community

If you ask older gay men, a lot of them will say that they don’t recognize the LGBTQ community anymore. Change is normal. Communities do naturally evolve and grow. But some folks feel like the gay community has deviated so far from its original focus that it no longer actually represents the sexual liberation it was intended to. That’s not to say that the new ideologies that have come into the queer community are wrong. But one could argue that they are just different. With competing paradigms at play, some feel it’s not fair to force the entire gay community to adopt new ideologies that deviate from the community’s original purpose.

The Normal Gay Guy: A Therapist’s Take

While there was some backlash to JD’s comments, what surprised me most was how many gay men resonated with what he said. I hope our community takes this as a learning opportunity. There is clearly a growing group of gay men within the LGBTQ community who feel unheard and unrepresented. If you look at the major gay media outlets like Out and The Advocate, there is endless coverage of trans and queer issues (as there should be). But, I’m now wondering, are they leaving out the quote-unquote “normal” gays? If we want to keep our community together, we need to make sure everyone is heard.

Conclusion

I think what we’re seeing is a split among gay men—between those who want to assimilate and feel “normal,” and those who identify with being more of an outcast. I think we can make space for both. How you present your identity should be your choice and your choice alone. Maybe it’s the word "normal" that is problematic here. If we swap that out for another adjective, then the term may feel less problematic. Most importantly, if there is a group of gay men who want to call themselves “normal,” then it’s essential that the gay community doesn’t ignore them. From the normal gays to the ballroom queens, we all need to feel seen, heard, and proud.