Why Gay Men Should Be Monogamous

It seems like everyone these days is exploring non-monogamy. Terms like “ethical non-monogamy,” “open relationships,” and even “polyamory” are frequently thrown around in conversations, particularly among gay men. These terms have become so common that it might feel like being in a monogamous relationship is somehow out of place or old-fashioned. But what about monogamy? Is it still a valid choice in a world where non-monogamous dynamics are gaining popularity? And how do you know which relationship style is the right fit for you? These are crucial questions, especially since a growing number of gay men feel pressured to explore open relationships, even if they’re not inclined to do so. As a gay men’s therapist, I’d like to offer some insight into why monogamy might still be the right choice for many individuals, and why it could be beneficial for you to explore this option more deeply.

Gay Men: Monogamous or Open?

One of the strongest arguments made by proponents of open relationships is that monogamy, particularly in the gay community, forces individuals into a heteronormative relational framework that simply isn’t suited to the complexities of gay relationships. They argue that monogamy limits sexual freedom, and therefore, it’s not the most authentic or fulfilling way to navigate relationships in the modern world. While this viewpoint has a certain appeal, there’s something we need to recognize: We don’t yet have enough objective data to conclusively evaluate the success or failure of open relationships in comparison to monogamous ones.

Sure, the practice of swinging or non-monogamy isn’t new; many cultures have explored and accepted different forms of non-monogamous dynamics for centuries. However, the modern discourse around open relationships is relatively young, and for the most part, these dynamics were previously considered taboo. As a result, they didn’t receive the same level of thoughtful academic analysis, psychological study, or social research as monogamous relationships have. Without sufficient data and longitudinal studies, it’s difficult to fully assess the long-term emotional, psychological, and relational effects of open relationships, especially when compared to the more traditional model of monogamy.

Monogamy Has Its Benefits, Too

When people discuss monogamy, it’s often in terms of what it doesn’t offer. The common narrative is that monogamy deprives individuals of sexual exploration, of the excitement that comes with multiple partners, and of the perceived freedom to experience love and lust in diverse ways. It’s true that being in a monogamous relationship limits the scope of your sexual encounters, but this doesn’t mean that monogamy lacks its own set of benefits.

For one, monogamy provides a deep sense of stability. When you commit to one person, you build a life together—one that’s grounded in shared experiences, trust, and long-term goals. Monogamous relationships allow for a depth of emotional connection that can be hard to replicate in open dynamics, where constant change in partners might prevent the establishment of deeper bonds.

Additionally, open relationships, while they may seem exciting and freeing, come with their own set of risks and challenges. One of the most immediate concerns is the potential exposure to sexually transmitted infections (STIs). The more partners you engage with, the higher the likelihood of encountering health risks, which can lead to anxiety and stress. But perhaps more significantly, open relationships often stir up jealousy, insecurity, and hurt feelings—even for individuals who consider themselves confident or emotionally secure. These emotions can add strain to a relationship, requiring more effort and emotional labor to manage and overcome.

Communication Isn’t the Answer to Everything

If you’ve ever asked someone in an open relationship how they navigate the complexities of their dynamic, the answer will almost always come down to one key concept: communication. “We communicate openly and honestly,” they’ll say. While clear and honest communication is an essential foundation for any healthy relationship, it’s important not to idealize it as a magical solution. The reality is that communication alone cannot solve all of the emotional complexities that arise in open relationships.

For example, even if you and your partner agree to an open relationship and openly discuss the rules, boundaries, and desires, it’s still possible for feelings of hurt, betrayal, or rejection to surface. Saying, “I’m going to hook up with someone else tonight,” may be part of a well-communicated arrangement, but it doesn’t necessarily prevent your partner from feeling left out, unwanted, or hurt by the very act of you seeking intimacy elsewhere. Communication helps clarify intentions, but it doesn’t always mitigate the emotional weight that certain actions can carry.

We Often Prioritize Short-Term Gratification Over Long-Term Fulfillment

There’s no denying that the gay community has long been a space where sexual liberation and freedom of expression are celebrated. This cultural emphasis on physical pleasure can sometimes overshadow the importance of deeper emotional and romantic connections. Physical pleasure, while exhilarating in the moment, is fleeting. It comes and goes, often leaving you feeling temporarily satisfied but ultimately longing for something more meaningful.

In contrast, committed relationships—whether monogamous or not—offer the potential for long-term fulfillment. They allow you to build emotional intimacy, share meaningful life experiences, and offer mutual support through both the highs and lows of life. Over time, these kinds of relationships can create a sense of stability and security that’s much harder to achieve in casual or non-monogamous arrangements. It’s not that physical pleasure isn’t important—it absolutely is—but it should be considered alongside the emotional, psychological, and relational benefits that long-term commitment offers.

You Can’t Have It All

Ultimately, one of the most important truths about relationships is that you can’t have it both ways. There are pros and cons to both open and closed relationships, and each dynamic comes with its own set of rewards and challenges. The key to finding the right relationship structure is understanding and accepting that every choice involves trade-offs.

If you opt for monogamy, you might lose some of the freedom and variety that come with open relationships. But in return, you gain the chance to cultivate a deeper, more lasting connection with one person. If you choose an open relationship, you may enjoy sexual exploration and variety, but you also risk emotional turmoil, jealousy, and the potential for sexual health concerns. Whichever path you choose, you have to decide which benefits are more compelling to you and which risks you’re more willing to take on.

Freedom for Gay Men: Embracing Flexibility and Choice

One of the unique privileges of being gay is the freedom to create our own rules about love, sex, and relationships. We are not bound by traditional societal expectations, which means we have the opportunity to explore and define what works best for us. This freedom allows us to craft relationship dynamics that are authentic and fulfilling, rather than simply following someone else’s blueprint for love and connection.

It’s essential to take the time to reflect on what you truly want from your relationships. Are you seeking emotional intimacy, sexual freedom, or both? Are you looking for long-term commitment or short-term excitement? The beauty of being gay is that you don’t have to conform to any one particular model of relationship. What works for one person may not work for another, and that’s okay.

Also, remember that it’s okay to change your mind. You might enter a relationship feeling certain that monogamy is the right choice for you, only to find later that you want to explore non-monogamy. The reverse is also true—you might start out in an open relationship and discover that you crave the emotional depth and security that comes with monogamy. The important thing is to stay true to yourself and embrace the flexibility to grow and evolve as your needs and desires change over time.

In conclusion, there is no one-size-fits-all answer to the question of monogamy versus non-monogamy. The key is to choose what feels right for you, understanding that each choice comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. Whether you decide on a monogamous relationship or explore open dynamics, the most important thing is that your decision is intentional, self-aware, and based on your unique desires and values.

If you’d like to learn more about my practice, you can book a complementary consultation here. You can also read more about my psychotherapy work for gay men here.